“The Frank Kern Religion”

Disclaimer: Frank Kern is in no way associated with King David other than he thinks he’s “badass” apparently, recognizing him today as one of his Top Fans on his Facebook Page today (6-27-2019). Anyone who tries to suggest ‘directly’ or ‘indirectly’ that “Frank Kern” is in any way associated with King David (unless he wants to or suggests it himself… with his penis of course as he is getting some action at home 50 times a day minimum with his hot supermodel babe wife) will automatically be sued by Frank Kern, without him even lifting a finger, by his “Super Friends”. I am not talking about the “Syndicate” (because they do not exist, and have never existed) I’m talking about his Lawyers, which just happen to be Buddha, Jesus, and Mohammed. Of the three, Mohammed is the meanest. He likes to blow stuff up. Beware. However, if you simply have the “automatic desire” to pull out your credit card and buy whatever Frank Kern is selling, feel free to pull out your credit card as you desire, and do that now, as you are now being “adopted in” or “grafted in spiritually” to “The Frank Kern Religion”. Obviously, Frank Kern is one of the COOLEST members of “The Protectors Of The Universe”

From The Desk Of King David:
6-27-2019 at 6:05 PM
Saint George, Utah
Subject: “The Frank Kern Religion”

Dear Frank Kern,

Certainly thou hast honored me, and art a prince among nations.

One time, thou wast walking in a park, with a bulge in your pants. It was that particular park where that one guy with the biggest penis in the world likes to hang out, and pick up chicks. He stared at the bulge in your pants, and passed out, hitting his head on a rock (luckily, he is alive).

Why did he pass out? Because OBVIOUSLY… Your penis is “even bigger than his own.” And your wife was “hotter than ALL HIS CHICKS put together.”

One time, I was reading a story that made me INFURIATED. I picked up some dishes, and I THREW THEM ACROSS THE ROOM, SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC. Want to know why, oh thou great and eternal, holy and wonderful Frank Kern?

Because you were talking about how the FTC tried to “pathetically” interfere with your schemes. Shmmmsshshshs!!! Man, I loved those dishes! But I love Frank Kern EVEN MORE THAN THE DISHES, AND MY WALL THAT WAS PREVIOUSLY PERFECT, AND FREE OF DAMAGE!

One time, I opened the Bible, and I saw a scripture about Frank Kern… it was just after I saw a sales video that was “So Much Better Than Network Marketing Corporate Crap” it’s unbelievable (in fact, you were even making fun of how pathetic MLM is because they don’t sell the product)… and right after I saw that video (I had literally just passed out it was so good, after I pulled out my credit card, and made a decision to buy) and then I woke up with my head on the Bible, opened to Leviticus 26:7… and the funny thing is, when I passed out… my Bible was nowhere to be found (I had actually asked God if there is any scriptures about Frank Kern and his new religion in the Bible) …and anyways, here is what she (the Bible) says about thee:

7 And ye shall chase your enemies, and they shall fall before you by the sword.

Leviticus 6:7 (KJV)

Here’s the things… I asked God (Elohim) “What does that mean” and he said “The Scripture Continues, Talking About Those That Join “The Frank Kern Religion” [At The HIGHEST PACKAGE] and I continued reading:

8 And five of you shall chase an hundred, and an hundred of you shall put ten thousand to flight: and your enemies shall fall before you by the sword.

9 For I will have respect unto you, and make you fruitful, and multiply you, and establish my covenant with you.

10 And ye shall eat old store, and bring forth the old because of the new.

Leviticus 26:8-10 (Frank Kern Version)
The Frank Kern Religion
Join The Frank Kern Religion And Get Rich On The Internet THE TRULY PROSPEROUS WAY!!!

Disclaimer: I cannot, nor is it possible, for me in mine “small intelligence before the LORD and Frank Kern” [who is also one with the LORD] for “the LORD” and “Frank Kern” are ONE, [indeed they are ONE], to own the copyright of this HOLY and BEAUTIFUL PHOTO. For I am not in it, nor is Frank Kern associated with me and my crazy drama and World Ventures and Legendary Marketer lawsuits in any way [unless he wants a cut… his choice] but only if he declares it on Facebook in a CRAZY VIDEO WITH A LEMON! [the lemon hurts a little, especially if you scratch off all your skin first]. Oh thou great and eternal Frank Kern, the LORD of the Marketers, please do not in thy glory smite me with thy lawsuits, for I am humble before thee, begging for mercy before thy junk…

The Articles Of Faith Of The Frank Kern Religion:

This is a revelation received by the Power of the Holy Ghost on “The Articles Of Faith Of The Frank Kern Religion” by King David Wood, on June 27th, 2019 at 6:53 pm:

1 At the Frank Kern Religion, we worship the Father, in the Name of the Son, By The Power Of Frank Kern and His Hot Wife. Plus, the Holy Spirit helps us get laid each and every day at home.

2 At the Frank Kern Religion, we sincerely believe that homosexuality is only for wussy men, who haven’t realized because of their pathetic whiny bullshit (pretending to be women). This is because a pussy is much better than a man’s ass. For a man like Frank Kern, that is.

3 At the Frank Kern Religion, we think Christians who join Network Marketing companies and then claim to be “Holy” while pitching never ending Pyramid Schemes with Zero Product Sales Is Pussy, And Will Get Shut Down By The FTC One Day. And On That Day, Frank Kern And King David Will Laugh Together As We Are Perhaps Getting Rich Together From The Collapse Of Many Stupid Schemes That Do Not Repent.

4 At the Frank Kern Religion, we think if you’re Christian, it’s cool. If you’re Buddhist, it’s also cool. If you’re Mormon, it’s pretty cool. However if you’re Islamic, you’re cool as long as you don’t blow anything up but the enemies of Frank Kern and his Wifey, the Queen of Zion out there in “The City Of Frank Kern Of Getting Rich Online The Easy Way Of Latter Day Saints”.

5 At The Frank Kern Religion, We believe SINCERELY that Frank Kern’s penis is “even bigger” than that guy’s penis who walks around in the park, because Frank Kern doesn’t show it off – his wife shows it off (only for her friends)… However if it is an enemy of Frank Kern they cannot see his penis, only if he does a “Penis Round House Kick” and smashes their pussy ass faces into the ground (because all enemies of Frank Kern are pathetic, and shalt verily be destroyed by the LORD God of Hosts, for he hath honored my Servant David, saith the LORD.)

6 At The Frank Kern Religion, we believe that wussies get destroyed by themselves. In fact, one day a wussy was walking in a park next to Frank Kern. Frank Kern in his MAJESTY (for he is ONE WITH THE LORD, for the LORD and Frank Kern are ONE indeed) said to the wussy: “Thou shalt verily dig a pit, and fall into it thyself.” Later that day, the wussy was digging a pit (he was a murderer) and was about to throw someone alive into it. Then the person did a round house kick with his penis in the name of Frank Kern of Hosts, and the wussy fell into the pit himself, for at the Frank Kern Religion, we verily punch wussies in the face, and they fall into the pit that they digged for themselves.

7 At the Frank Kern Religion… oh wait, the rest of these articles of faith shalt be verily written by Frank Kern himself, as he is verily getting a blowjob from his wife, and perhaps if she wants, several of her hot friends. Well, probably not, for her name is Jealous, and Frank Kern’s name is verily “Jealous” indeed, for he and the LORD are one.

The first 7 of the 13 Articles of Faith of “The Frank Kern Religion”

Before I go take a nap (for I am overcome by the power of Frank Kern of Hosts and his holy presence) to regenerate for perhaps 7 days for I am “humble” before the LORD, I want to share a brief message about the enemies of Frank Kern, and their eternal destruction if they shalt verily cross him seriously in any way:

Thus saith the LORD God of Hosts concerning the destruction of the enemies of Frank Kern, and the blessings of his friends, especially those that pull out their credit card and invest in their future and education, and their family buy buying his products at the right moment for them, when it will benefit them the most, which perhaps is a time like right now:

1 To those that even think about crossing Frank Kern, before you think about it, I want you to imagine a bottomless pit. A bottomless pit that leads straight down to hell. By even thinking about crossing Frank Kern, you are setting yourself up to get thrown into this bottomless pit if you continue in the wickedness of your ways, and do not change, and embrace the way of “Internet Marketing Righteousness”, which consists of selling products, and focusing on the value of the product, and ceasing thy mentally challenged “never ending pyramid scheme” ways of foolishness.

2 To those that persist and make plans of crossing my servant Frank Kern, who hast verily prospered in his righteousness and his “very active sex life” (for he is mine, saith the LORD) thy plans shall collapse before thee, and thine enemies shall turn against thee, and thou shalt fall into the pit that thou hast digged for thyself.

3 To those that honor my servant Frank Kern (for he is verily mine indeed) thou shalt prosper, and shalt be led to freedom and liberty, and shalt engage in giving, and in prospering, and in getting rich in thine own ways, and shalt verily engage in businesses that are one with me in the ways of value, and shalt verily be made strong like many armies, and shalt verily stand in eternity like many rivers, and shalt indeed prosper like the light of the sun indeed, as mine servant Frank Kern has indeed prospered.

Verses 1-3 of the “prosperity of those that buy from Frank Kern now” in the Book of David.

I will end with this special metaphor:

One time, there was a train going by in a special town, and then it made plans on stopping by now your town, and when it did, there was a mysterious stranger that opened the door. The mysterious stranger was not Frank Kern, it was a servant who verily came in his name.

(He “came” with many women indeed).

In any case, he reached forth his hand, and greeted thee at the door of the tabernacle of the Train. And when thou enterdest into the train, by pulling out thine credit card, and making a decision to buy, thou didst verily enter into the Train headed towards the promised land, a land flowing with milk and honey, where the roads are paved with gold and silver.

And you got in at the Top Package of whatever Frank Kern was selling that day, and practically “guaranteed” your way into heaven.

The Metaphor Of The Train Of The Frank Kern Religion

Frank Kern, oh thou great and Holy, Mighty Leader of Righteousness, Power, and Strength, I dedicate this song to you:

“Hot Blooded” – The Song Of The Frank Kern Religion

David Wood
“The Messiah”

P.S. You’re welcome to vote for me in 2020, and I’ll promote the Frank Kern Religion on https://www.whitehouse.gov – for of course, an under the table affiliate commission paid directly to my wife, Priscilla Chacon!

Best Wife Ever
King David and Priscilla Chacon, pulling out our credit cards and getting ready to buy into “The Frank Kern Religion”

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